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Tossed Salad Friday

~~ Someone complimented my writing, calling me a “humorist.” While I am flattered, I truly wonder — do humorists need to see a situation as funny?

~~ This week’s aide is the Trump of home health care. She does something then flat-out denies it. Apparently, she’s not on the phone all day, despite appearances to the contrary. She just carries it in one hand with earbuds in place and talks to herself from 9:00 am until 8:30 pm. She scolds herself sometimes and laughs hysterically at her own jokes. Awesome, right? She probably saves money without a data plan.

~~ I also saw her opening up my dishwasher wearing disposable gloves. I wondered, did she happen to use the gloves recently to change her charge’s diaper? “Oh, no, ha ha, this is fresh gloves.” Suuuuuure.

~~ The dementia patient has a very lovely singing voice. It almost, but not quite, eases the sounds of You are horrible shit shit shit and YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-RRRRRRRR coming from her. Sometimes she doesn’t sing, however. Yesterday she screamed at the top of her lungs Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Maybe she’s just talking to herself like the aide does?

~~ There are lots of strange people in cyberspace. Some insult you for sport, some creep you right out (I’m looking at you, Anthony Weiner), and some try to see if you’re open to whatever. Here’s a Twitter conversation that never went anywhere because I wouldn’t play along:

~~ Beware of a yogi who gleefully tells you she has “a couple more tricks up her sleeve” when she’s wearing a tank top.

~~ On the topic of yoga, here’s a photo I was asked to take for a studio flyer.
The woman on the right walked in, dropped her purse, and flew into that position in under two seconds. Try taking a steady photo when your jaw is rapidly dropping!

~~ The woman on the left shared this quote with us:

At first, I loved it, and then I started to think, do I really want my yesterdays returning for any reason, let alone to express jealousy? (Yes, readers, I overthink almost anything.)

~~ At least I get that quote. What the hell does this fortune mean?

~~ The September issue of our magazine is out.
Enjoy! http://boatingtimesli.com/NY/

~~ She told me the media was “all liberal.” I protested, saying that both the NY Times and NPR seemed to be bending over backwards to insert a ‘Hillary issue’ into every story about a Trump gaffe. Then I saw this affirming story (which came out before Matt Lauer’s brutally different treatment of the two candidates Wednesday night): http://bluenationreview.com/in-the-name-of-decency-stop-tipping-the-scale-for-trump/.

~~ Sunday is a very somber day for our country. It was quite sobering, in an altogether different way, to hear a woman say that her daughter —WHO IS IN HIGH SCHOOL— hadn’t even been born on September 11, 2001. Something so seared into our hearts and minds is just history to a generation or two, folks. Whoa.

Have a great weekend!




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April 2019


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