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Tossed Salad Friday

~~ Fair warning: in today’s anecdotes marine and land creatures die, suicide is implied, and my mortality is threatened. But there are some uplifting sentences, too.

~~ The lawn cutter left the backyard gate open, despite many pleas. Being too harried by half, I didn’t check before letting my dogs out. Sensing freedom, they bolted, and ran together blocks away. I discovered the open gate and ran screaming to seek them out. A driver passing by pointed me in one direction, and then another pinpointed the duo’s last known location. I’m screeching and bawling, begging for them to hear me and return. Blocks away, I find them corralled by a lovely woman. She’s keeping her kids away until I confirmed they were docile and preventing my dumbasses from getting hit by the buses and cars whizzing by. I didn’t catch her name amidst my wailing and anxiety, but rest assured I thanked her profusely.

~~ Look at these culprits — who would leave a home that makes them this comfortable, and a mom who roasts sweet potatoes and Brussels sprouts just for them?


~~ Why was I too harried to check on the gate? Let me start from when I ate breakfast with poop hanging heavily in the air. Followed by returning a few hours later to be greeted by the stench of a river at very low tide. On the verge of retching, I follow my nose and quickly come upon heaps and heaps of crab frying up in my kitchen. [Insert semi-puking sounds here.] I won’t go into all the details, but know it took me three hours to reduce the marine odor to where I didn’t feel the urge to heave.

~~ At three hours plus five minutes, I heard the bang and clatter of my pots and pans emerging (new ones, as the others now filled the dishwasher). And a new stink emerged — this one of decaying animal parts cooking up in copious amounts of oil. Sausages by the carcass-load were in my non-stick pan, above a scorching high flame destined to both destroy the pan’s coating and hurl droplets of oil onto every available surface. Speaking of hurling…

~~
There are now no more windows to be opened and no more air freshener within 25 miles, but as I saw the lawn guy pull up in front, I decided to let the dogs out fast while I inhaled some fresh air. I opened the back door and stepped out, and in a matter of seconds, I was falling backwards, narrowly avoiding striking my head on bricks. Was I that clumsy? Only if you define clumsy as slipping on an empty bottle of body wash and another of applesauce left on the back door mat by someone in the house who didn’t know where recyclables go. And thought that leaving them on the doorstep was better than asking.

~~ Was it coincidental that I soon searched online for a poem by Dorothy Parker that I’d tucked somewhere into my memory bank? I think not:
Resumé
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

~~ There are good stories in the world. My friend Karen wanted me to include her story here about the honest and kind-hearted NYC cab driver named Moe who returned her money and bank cards. Way to be, Moe.

~~ I shared with some people that my son is turning 25. “Oh, to be 25 again!” one said. I chimed in that I’d like to be 25 again, but just for about a week or so. My parents were alive, I got to see my law school friends often, and gravity was a word that had no personal animus. Nevertheless, my kids didn’t exist then, and I knew so much less than I know now that I wouldn’t want to stay 25 for long. How about you?

~~ Sam is indeed 25. A smart, funny, kind man who has a lifetime of learning and loving ahead of him, and a person I’m privileged to know. Happy birthday, Sam!

Have a great weekend!
LET’S GO METS!

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
nutmeggie
May. 22nd, 2016 03:26 am (UTC)
Who would dare to cook crab in your vegan kitchen?!
real_lawyer
May. 22nd, 2016 01:07 pm (UTC)
Someone who didn't think to ask... so OK, I can give her that. But the smell truly reminded me of that awful smell at low, low tide, when things that should be underwater are exposed to air and nostrils.

Have a great Sunday.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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