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Itsy Bitsy, Teeny Weeny

Clients rarely give me gifts. That’s fine, because who really thinks lawyers deserve gifts on top of fees?  Once in a while, I do get a present or flowers, and it touches me greatly.

However, a particular client’s gratitude was way off the mark.  He was the Vice President of a swimwear line that specialized in bikinis for bodybuilders (and/or almost-total exhibitionists); he wanted to give me a choice of any suit from the catalogue he presented at closing.

“Pick any suit, and don’t look at the price,” he said. “I’ll get you anything you like.”  It quickly became apparent to me as I thumbed through page after page of perfect derrieres and shelf-like breasts that I couldn’t wear anything that skimpy, and that even if I would, I wasn’t about to share my bust and hip measurements with a client!

My mind was racing; how could I possibly get out of this graciously? I could demur completely (and seem rude), I could pick something out that fit and then never wear it in public, or I could downright lie and reveal more ideal measurements, and then give it away.  After all, I’m figuring that such a generous man wouldn’t be uncouth enough to come right out and say, “Ha, ha, you’re so funny (or delusional). Now tell me your real measurements!”

I chose option number three. I filled out his order form for an undersized version of myself, and then chose to avoid looking at him so that I wouldn’t see his eyebrows flying way, way up. When the suit arrived, I cleaned out my closet and donated it along a whole bunch of clothes. After all, what’s the use of dropping off only a miniscule bikini at a shelter where everyday and work clothes are needed? That is, unless some budding bodybuilder resided therein, thinking, “My life will be much better if I only had a high-end suit to wear when I parade before the judges…” If that’s the case, I hope she won!



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June 2018


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